


Atelophobia (Why Can't I Be Perfect)

by Child_Of_Wonderland



Series: Bad Things Happen Bingo (Shadowhunters/The Mortal Instruments) [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Alec Lightwood & Jace Wayland Friendship, Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Alec Lightwood Feels, Alec Lightwood Needs A Hug, Bad Things Happen Bingo, Brotherly Love, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Good Parabatai Jace Wayland, Hurt Alec Lightwood, Insecure Alec Lightwood, M/M, Magnus Bane (mentioned) - Freeform, Protective Jace Wayland, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-08
Updated: 2019-07-08
Packaged: 2020-06-24 13:31:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,393
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19724665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Child_Of_Wonderland/pseuds/Child_Of_Wonderland
Summary: When things get bad, Alec can't speak. He needs to focus, pain helps him do that. He's fine, really.***Atelophobia-the fear of imperfection





	Atelophobia (Why Can't I Be Perfect)

**Author's Note:**

> *****PLEASE READ*****  
> This story does portray self-harm but does it in the way that the show does it. Excessive exercise without care! 
> 
> Officially starting my Bad Things Happen Bingo! I want to work on my hurt/comfort, whump, etc.  
> Prompt: Self-Harm 
> 
> Atelophobia- the fear of imperfection

“We’ll call next week, Mr. Lightwood.” The Clave member peering through the screen says with a disgusted look. Alec doesn’t respond, instead choosing to swallow around the knot in his throat and nods his head. She sneers and looks down her nose at him before hitting the ‘End Call’ button with as much anger as she was able to convey. Alec clenches his eyes tightly, trying to steady his racing heart and harsh breaths. He leans his elbows on the desk, staring down at his hands before letting his head fall. Alec cradles his head in his hands, trying to ignore the way his chest tightens with every breath he takes. The desktop of his computer is lighting up the dark room and Alec tries to take a steady breath but it falls short when his chest tightens again. Paperwork is piling up on the edge of his desk. Unread reports, mission reports to sign and hand out, official Clave reports to file and send off. The amount of demons in New York City seems to increase every time Alec opens his eyes so everyone needed approval to go on a mission, everyone needed him to do this or that and Alec was just tired. The Clave tore him a new one for the rising amount as if he could control the demons that decided New York was a good target and it turned into a whole fanfare of all the things he did wrong since the last meeting. Failing to stop demons from appearing, failing to have every new shadowhunter fully trained, failure to do this or that. Everything from this week just seems to be piling up on top of his shoulders, much like the paperwork on the edge of his desk. His head hurts, so does his chest and Alec just wants to go home. He wants, so desperately, to curl up against the cushions of Magnus’s couch. He wants to hear Magnus’s calming words and he wants to feel Magnus’s loving touch as they fall asleep. Alec knows it’s not possible, or even rational, to think he could just give up everything and go home but he can wish. Alec resists a groan as his door opens and Underhill pokes his head in, almost as if he’s testing the waters. Alec assumes he had heard the yelling that had come from the Clave call. Alec doesn’t blame him. Really, he doesn’t, but the movement just irritates him for no explicit reason. He clenches his fists and tries to take a calming, steady breath. It doesn’t work like he had hoped.

“What?” Alec snaps and tries to resist the urge to slam the door shut in Underhill’s face. Underhill tenses a bit before holding out a new set of reports from the shadowhunter patrols that had just come in. Alec stands up to retrieve them and takes another deep breath, trying to not seem too angry or irritated.

“Sorry sir.” Underhill murmurs before hurrying out and shutting the door right in Alec’s face, not noticing the irritation that causes. Alec resists the urge to cry out, resists the urge to just burn all the paperwork and resists the need to strike something. He had heard enough from Isabelle, Magnus, and even Jace about how his coping mechanisms were not healthy but really, it doesn’t matter at this moment. He needs a release, he needs to get all of this out of his head, he needs the pain to focus. He needs it desperately. So Alec tosses the paperwork onto his growing pile, grabs his bow and quiver, and leaves the office. He pauses as he passes the punching bag in the empty training room and comes to a stop. He debates for a moment before dropping his weapons on the edge of the field and makes a split decision to not wrap his hands. Alec rolls his head towards the sky, stretching his neck before falling into a familiar position. The sound of punches raining down didn’t cause any heads to turn so Alec had no inclination to slow down or stop. All of his anger and irritation flees his body as the bag swings back and forth with each punch. He doesn’t realize when the skin on his knuckles start to tear but he does notice the increased pain with each punch. The bag starts to become wet under Alec’s fists and he punches harder, faster, trying to ignore the looks he’s getting now. Shadowhunters are passing, pausing to watch the Head of their Institute rain hell onto the punching bag in the corner of the training center. Alec isn’t sure how long he spends in there, raining punches on the bag as if it killed everyone he ever loved or cared about. By the time he slows, catching the bag on his forearm and enjoying the momentary flash of pain that flies up his arm, the bag is littered with splatters of blood. His knuckles hurt as he stretches out his hands and Alec sighs in relief, letting the pain ground him. It still hurts to breathe and it’s not as bad as before. Alec sighs, grabbing his weapons before returning to his office. It still hurts, he needs a bigger release than the blood that’s running down his knuckles, staining his hands and leaving drops of blood on the floor of his office from where he leans his head on the door. His chest heaves with much needed breath but he almost immediately misses the feeling of the bag on his broken skin. He knows it’s a bad day, he knew it before he even came in today but he still had, thinking he could make it through today. He clenches his hands as tight as possible, stretching the broken skin as far as he can to maximize the pain of it all. If it makes it a little easier to breath, well, Alec doesn’t have to mention that to anyone. Alec pushes himself off the wall, heading towards his desk with a steadying breath, messily wrapping his hands in loose bandages to prevent the blood from falling onto the paperwork he knows he has to start. He doesn’t have a choice, Alec knows he doesn’t have a choice, but he’s just so tired. Nothing he reads sticks, he skims it over but none of it makes any sense. Maybe whoever wrote this wasn’t thinking, or maybe it was just Alec. Maybe he was just disappointing everyone like always. Sometimes he truly does understand why his parents always made those cutting remarks when he was younger, it wasn’t just to hurt him. It wasn’t just to make him want to do better or make him have thick skin. They said it because it was true, they said it because his best was never good enough and it never would be. He would always fail someone, whether that be himself, his family, or the Clave. Alec tightly shuts his eyes, today was not the day to go down this path. He tries to push the words of his parents away but they keep coming back. He pushes his hands into his eyes until they start to burn. Alec shouts angrily and tosses the pen in his hand to the desk defeatedly. The bag wasn’t enough, Alec knew that now, even as he tries to clench his hands in a desperate attempt for the pain to overpower his thoughts. Alec wants throws a punch at the wall behind his desk and he wants to feel the way the bricks would slaughter his already damaged knuckles. But that’d be too obvious. With his hands like they are now, all it will take is a simple iratze before he heads home to hide all the damage. It would be too obvious if he accidentally broke his fingers or hand so he knows he can’t. All he wants is for it all to just stop, all the thoughts and words. It’s been months since he’s felt like this, since he felt like he had no control over himself. He stares at the brick wall behind his desk desperately, begging for a new, more powerful release. The burning from his knuckles just isn’t enough anymore. The bandages are starting to fall away from his hands and Alec just yanks them off, tossing them into the trash by his desk.

“Damnit!” Alec shouts before turning around and grabbing his bow without so much as a second thought and rushes towards the roof. His mind is ignoring the silent begs for it to just stop and shut up. He just wants it all to stop so he can rest. He pushes open the door to the roof harshly, letting autopilot take over as he fires the arrows into the sky without much thought for anything other than the release it gives him. He isn’t sure how long he stands there, watching the arrows explode and firing until his hands scream for it to stop. 

“Jesus Alec!” A voice shouts from behind him and before Alec can even turn to face who it is, Jace is standing in front of him and gripping his shoulders. Jace’s hands are steady on his shoulders and he tries to ignore the way he clenches his hands to be able to bear this conversation with Jace. Jace is looking at him with a look Alec can’t quite place because it’s so foreign on Jace’s face. It’s not something that Alec is use to, he’s usually the one that worries about things or has unreadable expressions. Jace doesn’t say anything as he manhandles the bow and quiver from his parabatai, tossing it behind him as he pulls Alec close. Alec falls into the embrace, leaning heavily on Jace as his legs go weak beneath him and his head spins. Jace lowers him to the floor, placing a gloved-hand on the side Alec’s face.

“Alec.” Jace murmurs as he gently grabs one of Alec’s hands, looking at the damage that Alec had caused. The skin around his knuckles is torn and scraped off from the punching bag and the later archery. Blood is still leaking from some of the newer wounds and Jace turns Alec’s hand over in his hands again. Jace cradles it carefully, looking at Alec with a look of worry before hesitantly pulling out his stele. 

“Can I?” Jace offers softly, holding the stele out between them and Alec pulls away, unable to say anything. He shakes his head quickly, eyes wide as he hides his hands behind his back. Jace holds up his hands in surrender before tossing the stele over to where Alec’s bow and quiver sit.

“Okay, no stele.” Jace agrees at Alec’s quick, harsh nods, “What can I do?” Alec shrugs, trying to steady the way his heart is pounding against his chest. Jace sits cross-legged in front of him, looking at him with a fear that Alec had never seen from Jace before.

“Alec, come on buddy, talk to me.” Jace whispers and Alec tries, he really does try. He opens his mouth and then has to shut it almost immediately. Even though he wasn’t able to even get anything out, Jace seems to be able to understand. He reaches out, setting a hand on Alec’s shoulder and giving it a reassuring squeeze, “It’s okay, Alec, it’s okay.”

“I...I’m sorry.” Alec chokes out and Jace shakes his head before reaching forward again to pull Alec to him. Alec closes his eyes, trying to calm his racing heart and Jace rubs his back as he makes exaggerated breathes to try and calm him. 

“What can I do?” Jace asks after a while of silence, Alec’s head is leaning back against the wall that Jace had sat him against. 

“I...I don’t know what happened.” Alec whispers and he looks up at Jace with a heartbreaking expression before closing his eyes again, “I’m just…so _tired_. I don’t know.” Jace nods and watches his parabatai closely. Alec’s hands are in front of him now, bearing all the broken skin and cuts. Jace wants nothing more than to heal them but Alec was what mattered right now, and if he didn’t want him to then so be it.

“You need to take some time Alec, take care of yourself. You need to take care of yourself, we need you to take care of yourself Alec. _I_ need you to take care of yourself. Magnus needs you to take care of yourself. ” Jace presses, trying to keep his voice down in case he accidentally startles his friend. At the mention of Magnus, an idea flies to Jace’s head and he’s speaking again before Alec can, “Do you want me to call Magnus?” Jace keeps his voice soft but tries to convey how much he cares. Alec pauses for a moment, his breath hitching before he blinks at Jace.

“ _Y_ _es._ ” Alec practically begs and Jace nods eagerly, happy to have finally found something that could help his parabatai. It takes him a moment as the overwhelming despair coming from Alec is changed to something desperate and that just encourages Jace more.

“Wait.” Alec whispers, looking up at Jace with wide eyes and Jace skids to a stop almost immediately, “Thank you.” Jace smiles a bit before bending down to grab his stele and setting it right in front of Alec, just in case.

“Of course Alec, you know I’m here. I’ll call Magnus, take a few days. Iz and I will hold down the fort, I promise.” Jace sets a reassuring hand on his shoulder and heads to go inside to grab his phone. He pauses at the metal door and turns to look at Alec, who is now holding the stele with a hesitant look. Jace swears, at that moment, that he will do whatever it takes to protect his parabatai, even if that means burning down the entire Clave where they stand. Jace watches with a sad look as Alec draws an irazte on his hands, watching the wounds close and disappear. Jace ducks inside and pulls out his phone, already dialing the number of his parabatai’s boyfriend, knowing that Magnus would be the best one to help Alec through this. And, honestly, Jace couldn’t be more thankful for the warlock who saved his brother.


End file.
